My mom always said “When you go full circle, it’s time to drop dead.” In other words, if you end up where you started, you know the end of your life is near. She always had the answers. And, I came to this conclusion when my parents bought a house in the country in their retirement years. My mom continued working, as a daycare teacher, to stay busy. My dad, along with continuing his music, worked hard to make the home the way she would like it.
After raising us six children on a farm, and later my mom using her independence and own paychecks to buy a quaint mobile home for herself, dad and the last child at home, they ended up in the country in their 60’s, where my mom was in her youth before children. As pretty as it was, a location where it was exactly what my mom didn’t want.
Then as they were enjoying each other, my mom planting and creating the usual amazing abundance of perfect flowers outside with that natural green thumb, relishing in their grandchildren and my mom’s puppy, who we all looked at as a little human boy, they both discovered their cancer and died within two years of each other.
One of the last things she said to me was, “I told you. Full circle.”
I have yet to discover advice or a comment she was wrong about. The day I do, it might put my non-thyroid unregulated heart into a heart attack from shock.
So, as right as it feels, naturally I’m concerned with our new plan. I’ve already had cancer once. We don’t plan to leave our getaway just yet. But, our goal is to eventually return to our roots someday, for our girl and for each other as a couple as well. It’s better for her and that’s what is most important to us. Plus, Bobby and I both agree we want to be the proud yankees we are, in our older years. Our getaway was meant to be. Something serious for me was discovered quickly upon our arrival. Treatment happened just as fast. Our girl enjoyed her youth in a stunning area with interesting jobs, classes, and friends. Bobby, as he deserved, enjoyed himself in the sun and becoming a more advanced fishing pro. I expanded on my writing with an actual writers job. Writing for events, and nobody knowing the writer was a former queen of partying. Just how I wanted it. The past two years and what we have left, was exactly what we all needed. It was all meant to be.
As much as I didn’t want to turn down a lovely house. For the house and owners sake only, our girl didn’t match with her goals and that scholarship. Luckily, she’s able to turn it down. On that note, Bobby thanks me almost everyday for building her college fund when she was a baby. I thank myself too! I was in my 20’s!
Strange how life works. I knew in my youth to live it up all I could. As if I had some understanding or experience of the other side. Now I actually want to set it all down on green grass. I also never thought I’d survive or let go of my mom’s passing. Both of them dying was enough shock and pain. Part of our leaving was my desire to avoid living in the north without her. But losing her, the most important person in this child’s life, I never thought I’d get here.
She always said to me, “Someday you will be an amazing woman when you mature.” I wish she could have seen who I am today.
I am proud the things I remember most were words, moments, and lessons taught by her.
Even though she lives in me, all that I covet is if she were there.
I prefer the original.
I’ve become so much like her. I truly hope to find a comfortable home where I can plant flowers, write, and enjoy my family. As my sweet husband enjoys his favorite things in life, our girl chases after what she works so hard for and earned. And, to see the rest of my family more often. I’ve seen and done enough in this lifetime. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’m ready to settle down.
Returning will be interesting. I really don’t want to say to a doctor in that area, “I know what’s wrong with my health, I know what I need, can you get your little prescription book out and write this? Can you do THAT?” But, I know my sarcastic nature and memories of what I endured, will probably force those words out of my mouth. Can you blame me? I’d be dead had I stayed. NY doctors verified that.
People who know me are impressed I’m not bitter, or even thought of suing anyone. I’m laid back, I never felt the need for either. However, I’m a visual thinker. You put me in a memorable spot, it will all come flooding back. Just for a bit. 😉
The good news and how I will look at it, the cancer taught me my favorite lessons of my lifetime, other than learning of a huge love in having a child. Two more pivotal things; the inevitable, my mom was right, in the end I’d want my roots. And, I learned the past isn’t my present.