~Life And Death Of Hope~

For Holly & what you done for the end of her days. ~ You are the definition of love and friendship.

As I continue my journey of living without a thyroid wondering if the cancer in my neck has returned, and getting ready to head to NY to see if it has, while being told it so easily can the first three years and being sure the thyroid replacement is working properly. Life continues on.

In thought, this cacophony of sound as one could imagine, is quite loud. As always I keep my cool, though.
Bitter less, grateful, and positive.
I have more good, than I do strife.
Although, as I told my doctor I don’t enjoy in the slightest, the attention or questions from others. (Even though I know they mean well.) Headed to NYC at the six – eight month markings is reminder enough. Bobby always says “I’m just like my mom and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.” He knows me very well.

I couldn’t be more tired of worrying my loved ones, living in fear my sweet daughter will find me from heart failure (yes total natural thyroid replacement doses can cause this..) visiting a doctor, rushing to the doctor, listening to my body day in and day out like a nagging relentless diva, or the throbbing loud heartbeat as it pounds through my chest and I calmly count the beats, watching the clock. Paying attention for the signs of toxicity, a heart attack, or hyperthyroid.

Also to recently surviving a close heart attack from over medication.

My heart has been verified to be healthy. The medication is what almost killed me. After all that’s happened, Ironic.

One of many recent perks, I refuse to get intoxicated. I drink moderate wine on occasion but Health and medication absorption will wake you up in more ways than ten. Perfect timing as well since I’ve grown to loathe walking in to a bar.

If you’re wondering, yes. I worry for my trachea, and have my moments where I miss my ole thyroid.
My family finds that comment upsetting. “You mean the one with cancer?!”, they’ll ask. But other women who have been in my shoes know how the battle rages on during work, play, and relief from where we have traveled, understand my words.

Unfortunately to take my mind off of it all, I’m suffering from utter heartache and shock from a recent loss in my brothers family, a subject I can’t even touch on, and a childhood best friend of mine recently died from lung cancer.
44 years of age. Full of life, hilarious humor, fighting for her freedom ever since the days of her mom keeping her home from the simple football game. Last week she lay on her deathbed, and I envision for her what I had seen when my dad died of lung cancer. A slow painful death.
Thankfully, the cancer was quick but slow enough for the pain.

I am relieved her suffering came to an end. Her life is where I mourn.

As always, most people from mine and “Sarah’s” hometown are quick to judge others before themselves. Sarah made some scandalous choices in her short life, and she ultimately paid the highest of price for them, but she was running from her upbringing. She was in a constant rebellion. I witnessed the truth. Sarah’s 44 years, were 44 years of pain with the facade of humor to hide her relentless inner turmoil.

In afterthought, I can relate. As my beloved mom always said to me, “You are a true rebel”. Thankfully, I have been or the steroids from the MS misdiagnosis would have killed me two years ago, since I really had cancer all along. My rebellion has kept me true to who I am and helped me continue to fight, fight, and fight some more in this never ending circle where we all just want to live realistically calm, event free, and emotionally released from our childhood, hopefully healthy lives.

Doesn’t seem like much to ask for, does it? I still have the faith for myself and others.

~Take it away and but I want more and more- For Joy – One day I’m gonna lose the war.
Rest in Peace my forever friend.~

About DondasDigs.com

I am a mama, wife, freelance writer, childrens rights activist, singer/songwriter, self employed music producer, music enthusiast, and dry comedian. Also, have lived and won the fight of ambiguous injustice in misdiagnoses, health challenges, and recovery. Along with being highly opinionated, all for your entertainment and my creativity. ALSO possibly the biggest Elvis Presley fan you'll ever meet, without collecting all the junk. ~~~~~~~~~~~
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